*caution train wreck ahead.
This may be one of those post that contains too much information. If you can’t handle messy lives then I suggest you go elsewhere today. First off while I’m welcoming spring with open arms, there are some unpleasant side effects. Like the pollen that coats everything including my eyes and nose and mouth. That’s what you see on the dining room table in that photo. So, in addition to taking allergy medicine I’ve started using a neti pot twice a day. Nasal cleansing – hey, I warned you there might be too much information here. It seems to be helping though.
I thought too that I might have to confess here that my checkbook balance is so screwed up that we considered using cash and credit for a month and letting everything clear and then starting from scratch. But I discovered that it was just a figure error, so phew, I’m not a complete financial dunderhead.
And now I get to the part where some days I feel like I’m drowning and that I have a big cloud hanging over my head.
And this is where I put my junk out so it can be touched by the light of day. I really thought I had reached a point in life where I was done with self help books and the like. Now however, I’m realizing there may never be that point. I want life to be like a giant check off list, with a simple formula. Instead it’s a big messy pile with some bright colored bits, and some glorious bits, and some bits I want to scooch under the pile for no one to see including myself. But if those bits get scooched under the pile they tend to grow and become moldy and disgusting and then they start spilling over into the bright and glorious bits. Well, so…….. that was a big round about way of saying I saw a therapist for the first time in my life on Wednesday. It was the hardest thing to call and make the appointment, and leading up to the appointment I felt like vomiting. I felt like my ADD had reached a point of concern, and that it was interferring with my ability to make my creative dreams a reality. I came away from my first session with the knowledge that maybe I’m not as effed up as I thought, that perhaps it’s my thinking that’s effed up. I have a feeling I’m about to begin an adventure that might be more than I anticipated, but that will be life changing. I’m hoping to clear out the lies, and misperceptions I’ve built up over a lifetime and discover the true version of myself. A version of myself that I can love and embrace. God made me in a particular way, and I have lived my life thinking that the way I’m made is wrong. Waking up everyday, giving myself little pep talks that today I was going to do better, get more organized, get my ducks in a row, straighten up and fly right. As part of this process I’m reading Brene Brown’s book I Thought it Was Just Me, and the book Discover Who You Are. Another thing I’m going to quit doing is apologizing for things I’ve got no business apologizing for – like this post for example. It’s just me being me, authentic and real. Oh, and another thing, I love you all!