airing out my junk*

*caution train wreck ahead.

dsc_0366_565

This may be one of those post that contains too much information.  If you can’t handle messy lives then I suggest you go elsewhere today.  First off while I’m welcoming spring with open arms, there are some unpleasant side effects.  Like the pollen that coats everything including my eyes and nose and mouth.  That’s what you see on the dining room table in that photo.  So, in addition to taking allergy medicine I’ve started using a neti pot twice a day.  Nasal cleansing – hey, I warned you there might be too much information here.  It seems to be helping though.

I thought too that I might have to confess here that my checkbook balance is so screwed up that we considered using cash and credit for a month and letting everything clear and then starting from scratch.  But I discovered that it was just a figure error, so phew, I’m not a complete financial dunderhead.

fountain by you.

And now I get to the part where some days I feel like I’m drowning and that I have a big cloud hanging over my head.

cloudy with a chance of rain by you.

And this is where I put my junk out so it can be touched by the light of day.  I really thought I had reached a point in life where I was done with self help books and the like.  Now however, I’m realizing there may never be that point.  I want life to be like a giant check off list, with a simple formula.  Instead it’s a big messy pile with some bright colored bits, and some glorious bits, and some bits I want to scooch under the pile for no one to see including myself.  But if those bits get scooched under the pile they tend to grow and become moldy and disgusting and then they start spilling over into the bright and glorious bits.  Well, so…….. that was a big round about way of  saying I saw a therapist for the first time in my life on Wednesday.  It was the hardest thing to call and make the appointment, and leading up to the appointment I felt like vomiting.   I felt like my ADD had reached a point of concern, and that it was interferring with my ability to make my  creative dreams a reality.  I came away from my first session with the knowledge that maybe I’m not as effed up as I thought, that perhaps it’s my thinking that’s effed up.  I have a feeling I’m about to begin an adventure that might be more than I anticipated, but that will be life changing.  I’m hoping to clear out the lies, and misperceptions I’ve built up over a lifetime and discover the true version of myself.  A version of myself that I can love and embrace.  God made me in a particular way, and I have lived my life thinking that the way I’m made is wrong.  Waking up everyday, giving myself little pep talks that today I was going to do better, get more organized,  get my ducks in a row, straighten up and fly right.    As part of this process I’m reading Brene Brown’s book I Thought it Was Just Me, and the book Discover Who You Are.   Another thing I’m going to quit doing is apologizing for things I’ve got no business apologizing for – like this post for example.  It’s just me being me, authentic and real.  Oh, and another thing, I love you all!

p.s For those parts of life that do translate well into to-do lists check out Buttons Magee’s super awesome downloadable check list.

23 Comments Add yours

  1. ibbyskibby says:

    What a nice idea for spring. Love yourself, change only what really needs changing. Good luck on an adventure!
    Sara in Salt Lake City

  2. molly says:

    i love too much information! especially when it’s real and honest and sincere. yes – perhaps our messy, disorganized, creative selves are just the way we’re supposed to be! who cares what my clean neighbor thinks anyways! i love you right back.

  3. applecyder says:

    I also love you right back! And admire you, and this post, as well. xoxo, m

  4. Diane says:

    Well… I think a Neti Pot is just the right place to start cleaning all sorts of things up and OUT! And as for therapists — who does not benefit from an occasional round or two of talking to someone who is trained to help you look at yourself (and your thinking) in new and different ways?! I can’t think of a person. GOOD FOR YOU!

    xo

  5. ellen kelley says:

    You know I love you. Sometimes we all get stuck and need to reach out a hand for a help up and out of our personal sink holes.
    I hope you believe and recognize how much I am thinking about you.
    With love, admiration and much affection, #2.

  6. Check lists? I LOVE check lists. I get a hit of dopmine every time I scratch off something. I wish a check list for eating could feel like that. “breakfast……..check! lunch…………check!” Unfortunately, the checking off of those kinds of lists feel torturous.

    Anyway, I’m thinking therapy is a good thing. I’d been a couple of times for different things. It feels self indulgent, which I have trouble with, but what a great thing to get opinions for someone who is not invested in the solution!

    Yea for you!

  7. Oh I love you so, girl! I wish everyone was open and cool like you! I am so much like that and it feels so good for someone to basically say here it is, love it or leave. xo
    Hope all your creativity grows and that your honesty helps you flourish in all you do. I know I love it!!
    hugs..
    ~dee 😉

  8. Ayama says:

    I keep telling you we are on the same wavelength. Talking to a professional who can help is a wise move. Neti pots are a way of life for me (I always have sinus in Singapore) and lists are ruling my life at the moment but help me keep focused, which I need at the moment. Take care and you are fab.

    😀
    Anna

    Ps have a look at Soule Mama’s Friday post, there is a link to post about losing and then finding your creativity. 😉

  9. hello Jackie,
    first off I found you on flicker with your wonderful blue eggs on the post railing held up with a hose. cute!! wanted to know where it was taken and you are in my home state. born and raised in and around St. Louis until I came west when I was 19 and I’ve never looked back.
    Girl, you are just right for you. sure life gets crazy especially with 3 children at home and thats what you do being their care giver. who gives you care? so don’t beat yourself up too much. don’t forget to breath…..
    have you tried your local honey? It really helps me. just a big tablespoon of local honey in some hot water if you can’t just eat it right out. and also local bee pollen can help.
    I wish you well and love the way you write
    peace n abundance
    CheyAnne
    http://newmexicomtngirl.com
    p.s. love the pics of you taking your son to work day. Can’t teach them too much of the real world, yes?
    pss shuttersisiter yeah

  10. Leslie says:

    I love that you’re so open and honest! I’m guessing all of this will turn out just the way it’s supposed to and you’ll be soaring soon.

  11. You should move to California – I have had such mild allergies since moving here.

    I hope the therapy goes well. I’d probably pay just to have some normal adult conversation around here, some days. Most of all I would like a time-machine, though. I’ve convinced myself that all would be well if I could just get caught up on my to-do list…

  12. Karen Mowrey says:

    You rock girl!

    Did the therapist thing years ago when I was spinning out of control and if someone had ever said the things she had said to me long before I never would have been such a mess. Books do not allow you to hear it and to hear it on an individual basis. Good for you, just wait until you see the other side of all this…even if it feels like you will never feel calm and in control again…you will.

    Neti pots…as a pharmacist I can not keep them in stock…so sorry you are having such allergy problems!

  13. beingkaya says:

    I can tell you that seeing a therapist was one of the best things I have ever done in my life. I went for over 6 months every week and now I feel like I have the right tools to help me take control of my life. We did something called cognitive behavioural therapy and it really let me see that my initial (automatic) thoughts were not only untrue but really irrational. If you want a self-help book I highly recommend ‘The Feeling Good Handbook’ by David Burns. Good luck on your journey and don’t be afraid to take the time you need!

  14. Rachel says:

    Good luck on beginning your new journey, I wish you all the happiness in the world!

  15. i wish you weren’t so hard on yourself! life is an adventure. a messy one, a painful one, a joyful one… i’m trying to write something profound, and failing miserably… love this post, love the self-discovery, love you for who you are!

  16. Melinda says:

    let’s see…strong, brave and mortal… yup, I knew there was a reason you were my friend! :-)hugs your way

  17. Kim says:

    I’m so proud of you! I think Melinda has it right..strong, brave, and mortal. You are an amazingly talented woman and an inspiration to me. Everyone has stuff they want to sweep under the rug, but I think it’s awesome that you know that’s only a temporary fix. Glad to hear (from your next post) that things are looking up.

  18. Claudia says:

    You are so cool! The best! You will probably kill me but one of my dream is to see a therapist. For a strange reason I find that understanding stuff about who I’m and how I do/react to situations and how I manage things is totally fascinating. However, I never took an appointment because 1) you have to wait forever to see one unless you have a medical paper 2) it’s very expensive unless you have a medical paper and 3) my doctor didn’t want to give me a medical paper!!! Anyway, before you will kill me for what I said…you are an amazing woman and a real inspiration! xox

  19. childsplay says:

    thank you for sharing the actual books you’re reading–I’m at a similar point in my life, pushed along by the fact that my tweenage daughter is so similar to me in this ADD/creative way and it’s hard to empower someone when you haven’t accepted/embraced it yourself. Or, I mean, myself. So, thanks for sharing.

    And, I lovelovelove my neti pot. I’ve gotten 4 of my friends addicted to them, too. Once the wierdness factor wears off, it’s just nice to breathe clearly. 🙂

  20. threesneakybugs says:

    Never ever apologize for your blog. It’s YOUR space. Also, I love the moldy bits part. Made me smile. Good luck on your quest and know that no-one is as organized as they seem, no-one gets to everything on their to do list and no-one is 100% happy with themselves. Honestly, that would make life rather boring now wouldn’t it?

  21. Nancy says:

    Well said!! I admire you and your honesty and I have a feeling it set a lot of people free to do the same. Way to go!

  22. katri says:

    reading your blog for the same time – saw the link in today’s (5.20) Quince and Quire post – immediately felt such synchronisity. when I got down to this post I knew why – I only have 2 boys, but am totally there with you; the chaos, the creativity, the add… and feeling like it is all out of control lately – ugh. anyway, appreciate the reality check and will be checking in to see how it is all going. love moss, love the crochet images collage, love the hyperbolic plane. I have friend that I meet for a weekly knunch (that’s knitting and lunch). peace to you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s