how I got from point a. to point b.*

I’m not quite sure how one goes about blogging about life transformed, miracles, love, grace, compassion, new beginnings, revelations, hope, vision, feeling so alive and loved.  I guess one just starts from the heart and let’s the journey find its own way.  Also, as I’ve said before, if messy lives scare you, or references to God scare you then I suggest you go elsewhere over the next few posts.*

Many of you know I have been seeing a therapist, and have heard a little of my tale.  This is such a HUGE thing for me it feels that if I leave it out of this space or just gloss over it,  it won’t be truth.  And let me tell you, after the journey I’ve been on I’m all about thruth!  In the spring of 2009, I experienced a place of complete and total emotional deadness; a scary level of self flagellation; self-medicating with over the counter and prescription medicine, food, and way to much time on-line; and what I thought was becoming crippling ADD.  I was in a place I couldn’t get out of by myself and I needed help.  When my grandmother passed away she left me $1000.00 and so I decided to use that money for therapy.   Looking back now I realize how courageous I was to start asking around and talking to a few trusted friends.  From those conversations I got a referral to a therapist.  My journey is littered with miracles big and small and God’s provision.  This particular therapist happened to live close by, was affordable, and most importantly for me he is a man of God.

And so I started down this path of dismantling my baggage, and healing my soul.  It hasn’t been an easy journey, and it has involved facing some painful things.  A key lesson learned though is that if you keep avoiding the pain instead of working through it, it will keep bubbling up in unexpected and unhealthy ways.  Ignoring and avoiding do not make something go away.  I started meeting with the therapist about once a week, and immersing myself in some books he and friends recommended.  I will list those at the end of this post.  I would also use my running time as meditation.  As I started processing my life, and working hard, and facing my fears I would get a glimpse here and there, and sometimes entire visions of how much God loved me.  ME, just ME, just the way I am.  Not fixed, not mistake proof, not polished or successful or flawless or perfect.  Just ME!!  The lies I had been told, or had told myself about what a loser I was, how screwed up I was, how disorganized I was, how I would never be good enough, or that if someone was angry or if something went wrong it was always my fault, and on and on and on……all of those lies began to fall off of me.  They weren’t truth.  I began to discover that just being me was good enough, that I didn’t always have to have my radar up making sure I didn’t make a mistake or disappoint someone.  I started to accept the fact that I am both a saint and a sinner, as we all are.  I started to celebrate myself, and the way that I am made.  I also started reaching out to others.   Another lesson, true healing happens in community.  When we are brave enough to risk being real with others and offering them the same opportunity.

Herein lies the beginning of my path from point a. to point b.  Later I will share more, because there is so much more.

Books I have read and are reading that have been tremendously helpful to me: 

8 Comments Add yours

  1. applecyder says:

    and you called me brave for selling stuff at a craft fair! this post makes me so happy. thank you for sharing. your grandmother is smiling big right now. xo, m

    ps looks like your header got a foothill home companion makeover and it looks great!

  2. Leslie says:

    Wow, Jackie, what an open and honest post! We ARE all saints and sinners, and God DOES love you just as you are. I believe that with all my heart. You are so brave and I admire you so much for sharing as you have. Hugs to you!

  3. Diane says:

    You. Rock. xo

  4. amyks says:

    Sinner or Saint, I still think you are amazing…and i only know you from your blogging. I know this sounds cliche, but hang in there!

  5. What a blessing to have gained such insight into your own soul. Wow. I cannot think of a much better way to have spent your inheritance. I can definitely relate to that blame thing. It is such an easy thing for me to accept the blame for most anything. If something is FUBARed, my first thoughts go to me…and how I managed to do it. I’m trying to get over that one too.

    It’s also so funny to think how we mask our problems so well in this venue. I would never have guessed that you had any such issues. (And I also refer to my own issues that I mentioned to you lately, of which you were surprised to know about me.)

    Well, God speed. I’m glad that you are feeling blessed and happy. Love you!!!

  6. jacquie says:

    it’s been too long since i’ve visited. moving from point a to point be is a big step. takes a lot of guts to take a step like this. good for you and good thoughts from me.

  7. Patricia says:

    Oh, Jackie. This post made me cry. We’ve been on such a similar journey, and it has meant the world to me that you’ve been there for me and with me. Thank you for your honesty. To tell you that it’s a great tragedy that for so many years you felt anything other than the glorious woman that you are is true but not sufficient. But what a hard-won miracle it is that you are where you are today, you, perfect you, and able to offer the beauty of your soul to all of us in your words and photos and everything else you make. Keep on going.

  8. I’m so glad to hear that you’re well on the way.

    One book I read a while back – it’s not a therapy book, just an easy read, but I felt like it really helped me stop, think and understand a lot of the religion stuff that I’ve grown up hearing, but never really stopped and considered the whole implication of – is http://www.amazon.com/Dinner-Perfect-Stranger-Invitation-Considering/dp/1578569052

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