The terror I spoke of now that I’m back is this: I’m both drawn to this space, and ambivalent about it. Two and half years into this I feel like cyberspace has exploded and that I don’t necessarily have anything new or relevant or interesting to add. Plus there is that whole sucked in feeling. I know you know what I’m talking about. And yet…here I am.
The other thing is I feel like I’m always trying to convince myself that there is a formula or system to life, breathed out in conversation to myself that sounds like this, “Okay, if you just operate your blog, your home, your exercise routine, your spiritual life (fill in the blank) by reading this book, using this time management schedule, emulating so and so, and doing x,y, and z everything will be fine. You won’t make any mistakes, and you’ll be able to manage everything you’re trying to manage, you will be a perfect wife, mother, blogger, crafter, friend, etc. Well, you know what, I’m sick of that shit – I just want to “be” without all of that crazy-making verbiage bombarding me. I’m so sick of that shit that I just typed the word shit three times now. Besides, it’s not like any of you are standing there with the giant clipboard of life marking off boxes; X Loser. X Does Not Meet My Expectations. X Could be funnier. X Is slow to return email. And if you are that person, you’re not invited to my party. The only mantra I’m applying to my return to blogland is this – “Does this add to my life or does this take energy away from my life?” Period.
Having said that – today it feels like it adds to my life.