***

The terror I spoke of now that I’m back is this:  I’m both drawn to this space, and ambivalent about it.  Two and half years into this I feel like cyberspace has exploded and that I don’t necessarily have anything new or relevant or interesting to add.  Plus there is that whole sucked in feeling.  I know you know what I’m talking about. And yet…here I am.

The other thing is I feel like I’m always trying to convince myself that there is a formula or system to life, breathed out in conversation to myself that sounds like this, “Okay, if you just operate your blog, your home, your exercise routine, your spiritual life (fill in the blank) by reading this book, using this time management schedule, emulating so and so, and doing  x,y, and z everything will be fine.  You won’t make any mistakes, and you’ll be able to manage everything you’re trying to manage, you will be a perfect wife, mother, blogger, crafter, friend, etc.  Well, you know what, I’m sick of that shit – I just want to “be” without all of that crazy-making verbiage bombarding me.  I’m so sick of that shit that I just typed the word shit three times now.  Besides, it’s not like any of you are standing there with the giant clipboard of life marking off boxes;  X  Loser.  X  Does Not Meet My Expectations.  X  Could be funnier.  X  Is slow to return email.  And if you are that person, you’re not invited to my party.  The only mantra I’m applying to my return to blogland is this – “Does this add to my life or does this take energy away from my life?”  Period. 

Having said that – today it feels like it adds to my life.

8 Comments Add yours

  1. amyks says:

    It adds to my life whenever you have a post…and I guess I’m the loser, because I only read other people’s blogs and don’t have the guts or the “wear-withall” to start my own. May be someday, but until then I will keep watching for your posts and adding my replies.;)

  2. Ayama says:

    Wow Jackie, I swear you have ACTUALLY been in my head space almost EVERYTIME you post (excuse the poor nettiquette, dang me if I can’t work out how to use italics….). The only problem with the whole net ambivalence (correction, I am so busy that IF one gets time to go online it is strictly for work purposes) is that I am missing you as well as a few others. Please all powerful agnostic being, some of us genuinely need more than 24 hours per day…. Thinking of you often, even if there has been a lot of silence on my end.

  3. jen says:

    i am happy that today (yesterday?) your online presence adds value, because i like having you around. you’re too far away in person. but i do understand the crazy-making verbiage. i just try to shove it under the run. and there are some days when i wonder what am i doing?! why am i opening my self up to this?! but then i say to hell with it, and enjoy the ride…

  4. MichelleB says:

    I totally understand where you’re coming from. Do you think it’s an “age” thing (I know we’re about the same age), or an inner self thing? Or maybe a combination of both? My kids haven’t started school, but I keep thinking when they do, I’ll get it together. But really, I just don’t know.

  5. gonzomama says:

    hello? are you reading my mind or something? one constant thought i have had for a couple months now is that i need to get it together. it doesn’t quite seem to be working out to my expectations, so now i’m wondering if i’m just one of those people who never has it together. at least not all at the same time. got to work on accepting that one : )

    i’m glad you’re here and if you’re not here all the time – i’ll still be here when you pop in every so often!

  6. Patricia says:

    Isn’t it astonishing how we’re all thinking that we don’t have the formula to keep it all going perfectly and yet, from where I sit, you (and your commenters) look pretty f*ing amazing. Something is wrong with this picture! Maybe we just need to find a way to assess our accomplishments over a longer period of time (a week? a month? a year? a lifetime?) and not be so hard on ourselves when “all” we accomplish in one day is talk to a treasured friend and take a LONG nap (*ahem*). Your tree papercut–that’s an accomplishment I would be happy to have managed in a year, and you’ve done that and many more snips in a very short time. Just keep plugging away at this blog thing, Jackie–we need to hear you give voice to your struggles and heartbreak and accomplishments because you speak for all of us, and you document what you see with such sensitivity and talent.

  7. I think that I think of my blog in the same way as I think of sitting down to have a chat with a friend. I don’t feel any pressure to blog, as I hope that it is like one of those great friends that you haven’t seen in ages, yet it feels like it was just yesterday when you do catch up.

    No one has to read my blog, so I figure that those that do must want to be there. And if they want to be there, they must be the forgiving types that don’t mind that I am rubbish at replying to comments in a timely manner or that I’ll disappear off for a few weeks without so much as a cheerio. I’m not that original or talented, but for some reason people still seem to come back and read my drivel. And I’d rather chat with them than work on my time management…

  8. You blog adds to MY life. There are tons of stuff that definitely does not add to my life, but hearing from you is a nice bonus.

    I’m thinking that my blog, directionless as it feels sometimes, adds to my life too. My VLOG (weight loss one on YouTube)…niet. Twitter….eh…not sure if that adds or not. Facebook…mostly yup. Flickr…never remember to do anything with it anymore. Social networking overall makes me nuts…makes me feel as though I am floundering around.

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