just don’t know

Lately there has been a lot of whining and complaining, self-pity, confusion, tiredness and chaos and mess.  And a day or two of this is manageable, but when it feels like a season of nothing making sense and feeling cut loose from any anchoring sentiment it’s hard.  Really hard.  Maybe it’s just me, but it feels like an epidemic in my household – a rut of sorts that grows deeper  and deeper.  Actually,  it probably is just me.  Mostly I’m feeling a lot of confusion about many things.  directionless.  wandering in the dessert with no map.  this space.  my purpose.  what’s important?  what’s worthwhile?  what’s relevant?  how to tame myself.  should I tame myself?  focus.  where God would have me invest my time.  anxiousness about wasting time.  finding the boundary between myself and selflessness.  where the hell is it???

And then November shows up.  Ah, I think.  An anchoring sentiment reveals itself.  GRATITUDE.

I shall throw the anchor of gratitude over the side of my shifting, tossed about boat.  Instead of focusing on the wind and the waves I will focus on all the things in my life that I am truly grateful for.  And I’ll force the other passengers who are on this journey (i.e. my family) with me to do the same.

A plain spiral notebook and a cheap ink pen.  That’s all we need.  Every day for the month of November.

sufjan steven – Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing added thanks to Melinda.  I’m grateful to friends who point me in the right direction!

10 Comments Add yours

  1. melinda says:

    odd how the universe works.

    October just about kicked our collective bums also.

    and then, completely unexpected, I bumped into Sufjan Steven’s “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” (it’s on youtube, I’m too unskilled to do that fancy link-to-it-bit) and have been soggy with tears of gratitude for the last 72 hours. very therapeutic. have a listen. if you dare.

    love. you.

  2. melinda says:

    oops.
    minus 10 for apostrophe abuse.
    “…Stephens’ …” is correct?

  3. Lori DeMoss says:

    Is gratitude just a feeling, or can it evolve into a lifestyle? How will it affect the way you act? I know you probably got tired of hearing me say this during Bible study, but –what does gratitude LOOK like? 🙂
    I’m also trying to come up with a ‘purpose’ now that my daughter is about grown. Do you have any suggestions? 🙂

  4. i think you think too much! :}

    i just go go go and at the end of the day i’m done and it’s probably better that i don’t have too much time to think about stuff. but i really should start taking note of the things i am grateful for, instead of focusing on my list.

    today, i’m grateful that i know you.

  5. great reminder…..
    gratefulness is such a good thing…..
    my youngest got hurt at a halloween party on friday nite….he is totally fine…but after a horribly long nite in the emergency room and a few stitches….i came out so grateful for my family. my 2 other kids were so concerned for him and just wanted to be with him….
    and we ended the nite at 2 am with doughnuts….what could be better than that?
    thinking of you
    mcihelle

  6. Patricia says:

    Acceptance helps, too. Just accept that you’re wandering a bit and accept that this is the path you’re on. Doesn’t have to be smooth. And be gentle with your beautiful self and those wonderful men in your life. (These are words of advice for myself, too.)

    Here’s a phrase from my meditation tape that is resonating today: Be without anxiety about your imperfections. What would it take to do that, I wonder?

  7. amyks says:

    October was a tough month for us, too…hopefully, November will be better.

  8. Phoe says:

    October was a hard month for us too. Right now I’m just trying to remember how to breathe. After that, who knows?

  9. smoothpebble says:

    Okay,breathe. in, out, in, out, in, out and forget about the rest for a moment… i just breathed in your gorgeous autumn light photos!! Just losing myself in those scenes for a few minutes made me feel better! Cheers to November and things being better! xo J. jackie basham https://smoothpebble.wordpress.com http://www.etsy.com/shop/smoothpebble

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