trying to freeze time

But it all stays frozen for only a brief season, and then inevitably it thaws out.  Just like time with my babes.  First as a steady drip; crawling, walking, forming words.  Then a small rivulet; the dimples on their hands disappearing into boy skin, the wriggling from my grasp to explore the world.  The rivulets join other rivulets;  their tousled morning heads reaching ever higher measured against the height of my heart.  The rivulets become streams; boy-man muscles and deepening voices.  The streams form a flowing river, this river with a current and beckoning of its own.  And all I can do is step in momentarily and let it wash over me and try to hold the running water with the inefficient vessel of my cupped hands.  To hold in my hands and heart all of these coursing moments, try to freeze them in my mind.  Over the years there have been times when my soul has groaned with the heart pain of not being able to freeze time.  When I have found myself whispering prayers of begging, “Please stretch this time out, please!  It’s all going so fast.”  The river though is a force of its own, and so I grab moments.  And right now I’m frantic with the grabbing, the begging.  Writing this out is an attempt to just lean back and let the current carry me with it, rather than stubbornly trying to push my way upstream.  To relax and be grateful for this time now.

7 Comments Add yours

  1. melinda says:

    wow.

    beautiful J.

    but i still hate you as you have, once again, broken all to h*ll the “I-pinky-promise-not-to-write-anything-that-induces-worksite-weeping” rule.

    again.

  2. Leslie says:

    I’m in denial, I think, about what’s coming in a few short months! I try to just take one day at a time right now.

  3. ellen kelley says:

    It is true that you can’t stop the river and the river that you step into the second time, third etc. is never the same river. It just isn’t and it is hard and painful and scary.
    But you can watch it as it gains independence. You can watch it as it gains strength and you can watch it as it finds its own direction. When it is small, you can help it along, clear the debris out of its way, you can channel it in the right directions and you can keep it safe from flotsam and jetsam. You can run along beside it and sometimes float joyfully with it, but it does have its own path. After all, we held that little raindrop in our hearts and hands and we encouraged it to join other raindrops. We are all flowing to the same place, some of us just get there sooner.
    It’s all about that letting go I think. And I am not trying to diminish your sadness or fears. They are real and I think all mothers share those fears. If we dammed up the river and stopped the flow, it would not be good. We all know that.
    Oh, I’ll be quiet. I have had the same fear and it should be respected. I can only say from the “other end” that it will be o.k. and you will be blessed to watch that raindrop that you nourished flow back and back again to you. It’s a promise.

  4. Exactly! And much more eloquent than I was putting it just this morning, when I was telling my kids that they need to stop growing up so fast.

  5. i try so hard to live in the moment…and enjoy that moment i’m in….but i certainly don’t always succeed….
    enjoy your moments this weekend!!

  6. mcspannar says:

    so eloquently said. can you believe that miss ct is 4 on march 14th?

  7. Craig says:

    I know it’s Sunday morning – a long time since “Walking With Him Wednesday”. But it took a long time to get through the “Multitude Monday” posts – and still didn’t get past 140 or so.

    So I figured it was about “time” I started reading about “time”. And you hit it on the head. Time is movement – change – it’s how time is marked and we can’t stop it rolling along. Your imagery of cupped hands holding onto running water is stunning.

    I was blessed by your words today. Thank you.

    God be with you and yours

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