enough already…

I don’t feel very good right now.  By that I don’t mean that I’m physically ill, but that my head does not feel good.  I’m soul weary, and discouraged, and back in that place of mentally beating myself up on a regular basis.  Trying to be everything to everybody and calling myself a failure and a slacker when I fall short of that impossible task…

It’s as if the delivery man has shown up with a fresh package of crap, and I keep opening the door to him and taking the package.  Then I’m opening the package and trying to figure out what the hell to do with it all.  After a session this morning with my counselor I was reminded that I could open the door, see who’s there, and when I realize it’s that same damn delivery man I can just say “Oh, it’s you again.”  And then I can close the door in his face!  I don’t have to accept the package.

Or here.  Here is another visual.  Not only have I been handing the microphone to all of my self-limiting tapes and lies, I’ve been giving them a satellite broadcasting system.  Well it’s time to pull the plug.  Enough already!  I’ll be here some, but in a limited capacity while I spend time yanking the microphone away from the liar, and while I push all of my weight against the door to keep that damn delivery man at bay.

One of my lies is that if I don’t stay current on-line I will become irrelevant.  Which might not be a lie in and of itself, but where does my worth come from?  That might be where the truth is.

18 Comments Add yours

  1. feeling the same way, but i haven’t been able to shut the door. so instead, i’ve been contemplating a disappearance/starting over scenario. new city. new me. pull out the roots that are so deep and tangled here and just get the hell out.

  2. Mousy Brown says:

    Take care and good luck – hope the space helps…

  3. kristin says:

    sounds like you need to feed your soul!! be everything to your self first, because we often forget to do that…sending love your way jackie! xxx

  4. melinda says:

    come on over.
    we can write “enough” on your belly in henna.
    I hear all the cool kids are doing it.
    *cough*
    love you.
    you will figure this out, and defeat the liar delivery man
    because you are awesome.

  5. Jan says:

    That online thing is just a constant irritant, isn’t it? I can worry about or be torqued off about the most inane things related to my presence on the internet. And though I don’t always post in my blog regular…so I thought…some teacher blogger laughingly called me a “blog-a-holic.” Hmmm… makes you wonder…..

    I have to tell you though that whenever I see posts from you or other internet pals who are around less these days, I read your/their posts immediately. I miss you, but I don’t feel that your absence has you made you irrelevant in any way.

    I’m not feeling that the stinking crappy mail man is knocking on my door these days. I think that at 53, folks just assume you won’t put up with any crap and they don’t even attempt to ask you to. Wrinkles; good to know they’re good for something, huh?

  6. ellen kelley says:

    Oh, Sweetie…
    Hard times, they do rear their ugly heads now and then.
    Remember the words and spirit of the tattoo? They are so true for you. Sending love.

  7. Patricia says:

    Jackie, you’ve expressed so many important things in this post, I don’t know where to begin to respond. You have such a gift for untangling the snarls of emotional crisis, and that’s a profound gift that you’re giving to all of us via this post–we all are going through something like this or have gone through it or will go through it. I think it’s hard to even get to that place of just laying it all out, much less facing it head on, as you are doing. I hope you give yourself permission to rest up and get nourished spiritually (and say no when you need to) so you have the strength to push that door closed. You are very loved, and loveable, and the universe I care to live in doesn’t measure your worth or relevance by how often you blog. It’s the quality that counts, and you got that, babe.

    Let me know if I should send chocolate, or just air hugs.

  8. Phoe says:

    Take care of yourself.

  9. melinda says:

    super idea Pat!
    big, sloppy, almost awkwardly long air hugs…for the lot of us!

  10. jackie says:

    thank you everyone for your sweet and kind words! i know we all have those times, you and i both, and i’m learning that even those times have relevance and importance to our journey. as much as i want to squirm away from these uncomfortable times i know there is value to them. maybe one of those valuable lessons is that there are people, wonderful people, like you to affirm me and offer solace (as well as chocolate and hugs). and i thank you!

  11. amyks says:

    Hang in there…and you will never become irrelevant to me. I know, a stranger across the miles, but a neighbor via the internet. Take your time sorting it all out, but know that you are not alone.
    Sending you big supportive hugs across the web.
    XOXOXO!!!

  12. Has there been something in the water lately? I’m only just starting to come out of the other side and shake my head in wonder at myself, but I’ve had a rough and emotional start to the year and I truly have not been able to put my finger on why.

    The thing that really has me wondering, though, is that it took just a couple of insignificant moments with mere acquaintances to help turn me around back towards the light.

  13. Anna says:

    Here’s the thing. I’ve dropped out and back in a few times over the last year as I’ve adjust (am still adjusting) to being a stay at home mom vs a corporate slave. You will not miss anything. You’re friends will still be here. In fact, you’ll be able to come up with ideas of your own instead of being overwhelmed with everyone else’s ideas. Take care of yourself, then take care of your family, then when the time is right pop back online but set limits. Realize that you’re a contributing member of your family/community/society and you too need rest, relaxation and entertainment.

    XOXO

  14. Leslie says:

    Slam the door on that delivery man! And do whatever it takes to get back to “you.” I understand your fear of disconnecting…we all have it…but maybe it’s connecting with fewer people, more often, that really counts. Hugs to you!

  15. Craig says:

    Ummm – did I write this post? It sounds like me – but you don’t look like me. I say with the rest – we all need to throw away those tapes – and we do – but we forget that they come back. It’s always the worst house guests who stay the longest – an every single door has to be locked and windows barred to keep them out. Godspeed – and I heard Brene at Blissdom – she hit the nail on the head there too.

    God Bless

    P.S. Hope it’s ok that I prayed for you – because I just did.

  16. Thanks for posting this. I found your blog on the freshly pressed page, and accidentally kept reading beyond the post that got pressed 🙂 and I completely relate to this, and I even did my own post awhile back about excruciating vulnerability because of the ted talk you have here.

    Congrats on being pressed, and thanks for being a human person who writes things others can connect to.

  17. wonderv says:

    Wow, I can completely relate…that was me about 6 years ago, though I have backslid a bit and have not been my happy-sunshiny-rainbows and unicorns self lately either. Just know that it is OK to say no, to respect your limits, and it isn’t rude to say no. If you have a valid reason to say , “No, not this time, sorry! Go ask Doormat-#2 over there! She might be interested!” then do it! Sounds like you need some down time and need to focus on who you are. That part sucks because usually there is a reason (or at least we think there is) for not looking at that stuff, but it’s good. And everyone will still love you! Good luck!

  18. - says:

    I try to keep in mind the saying, that ‘this life is just a pathway to the World to Come’ and that all the crapity-crap is balanced out by moments of beautiful-ness. nice photographs.

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