What’s the deal? Who is the keeper of the secret knowledge? And why has it taken me so long to be privy to it? Or maybe the knowledge isn’t all that secret, maybe it’s more a matter of having the scales removed from your eyes so that you recognize it. Maybe you have to reach the end of your own rope, or reach that middle age of your life, or maybe hit a place in your life where the old rules no longer work, or have some life experiences that act as a key to the lock box.
In my experience I had to reach the end, meaning I could not continue on the same path I had been previously traveling. It was intolerable and would have resulted in one of two options had something not shifted inside of me. I would have either become more and more a zombie version of myself or literally dead. It was at this point I had to choose to embark on a spiritual journey.
So I’ve spent the last three years searching for the keys to the lock box of secret knowledge. Three years seems like a long time and that I should be singing Zippity Do Da at the top of my lungs because I’ve been entirely recreated into this dynamic, energized, solved human being. In truth though I think it has taken me that long to absorb all the lessons, to process things, to grieve and mourn, and try on new ways of thinking and behaving. I believe I’m at a new crossroads. It’s time to leave the nest. It’s time to leave the safety of all that accumulated wisdom and start living it. Time to tap into my courage, which I have in spades I’ve discovered, and take ownership and responsibility for creating the kind of life, and relationships, and meaningful work I’m craving.
Previously I would have berated myself for taking so long, but I embrace that part of my contemplative self and the little girl that had to realize it’s safe to come out of hiding. I’m grateful too for the muck that brought me to a place where I was so hungry for the secret knowledge that I went off to find it. And any worthy journey requires solid and steadfast companions. I’m thankful for the ones I’ve found along the way and the ones that were there from the start. My quest for knowledge is ongoing, but I don’t want to stop with the accumulation of wisdom – I want to live it out, and I want to share it.
Here are a few of my latest discoveries:
A Season of Unlikely Happiness – a memoir which helped me to learn how to let go of control
The Pioneer Woman – I’ve read her blog off and on over the years, but lately I’ve picked up on her positive, laugh-at-herself attitude and decided she’s a woman I could take some lessons from.
The Summer of the Great-Grandmother – I’ve learned from the stories Madeleine L’Engle shares about her own great-grandmothers. The main lesson being that no matter your circumstances you are in charge of your internal locus of control.
Susan Cain’s TED talk – The Power of Introverts.