Dear Mr. Bag of Fun-Size Butterfinger Bars,
I do not appreciate you jumping into my shopping cart like that. Especially the way you pretend that you are just helping me get an early start on buying Halloween candy so that I’ll be prepared for Tricking & Treating. You know the truth. You know that you are one of my favorites, and that your little bag of crispety, crunchy, peanut-buttery deliciousness will never make it to October 31st. If you were really my friend you would have talked the icky bag of bubble gum/dum dum suckers/tootsie rolls to jump into my cart. They, my dear, would have lasted until Halloween. When your last little bar of goodness is left do not send a text message to your cousins recommending that they jump in my cart next shopping trip. Promise? Cross your heart and hope to die?
Licking my fingers,