fresh hell

2013-01-02 11.47.05

 

Happy New Year! I do wish everyone a Happy New Year.  But I myself  feel like I’m staring into the abyss. Where I normally feel a sense of hope and possibilities for the year ahead, or even a desire for improvement and goal busting, that’s not the case this year.  Instead I’m feeling unmoored and full of some unnamed dread.  A sense that I will just end up frittering away another year.  Can’t decide if this is a place I need to be…like if I have no illusions I can’t be disillusioned…and something is being worked out in my soul.  A place of relaxing into what is instead of constantly striving for what is not.   Or if I should don the boxing gloves and fight my way out…

Once again I think the voice for the other view point needs to be expressed.  Not all of us have merrily sat down and written our resolutions, or picked our manifesto for the coming year, or counted our blessings, or reviewed the previous year noting our accomplishments.  The idea of doing a review of 2012, and the looming days of 2013 are frankly scaring the crap out of me right now.

Sorry, not sorry.

10 Comments Add yours

  1. jen says:

    kinda right there with you…

  2. golittlered says:

    I don’t write down resolutions..why shoot myself in the foot? I don’t go back and review the year in terms of what I have accomplished. (I can scold or praise myself every day for what I do or not do.) I can certainly be a bit afraid of what is coming up, because I am not young and there are probably not that many years left..well, in terms if you are 40.50. or even 60 there maybe..but I am beyond that.
    I can and do give thanks for what I have and for the beauty of nature, the ones I love, and friends…for safety…you get it, I know.
    I can also still feel smucked up and confused, adrift and not the person I would admire much. But, I have lived long enough to know that this is life..ebbs and flows. And..incredibly awful things do happen..things we never dreamed of or expected..things out of our control and comfort zone..painful and unwanted.
    There is a saying (and I think it was a book I read years and years ago) YOU CAN’T PUSH THE RIVER…perhaps all we can hope for and believe in is that we can ride those rough waters down, and one day that river will gently release us on the safety of a bank.
    I do hear your pain, and if it helps just a little, I have been there too. I read (as in “reed”) your “About” and I do believe that those words describe you so perfectly. I pray that you will soon believe and feel them too. I also know where you are is where you are…but it will pass, I promise.
    You have contributed so much to my life through these crazy spaces and places, and I give thanks because you have made a difference in my life. I send love and if I were close, I would envelope you in a very loving embrace, laced with admiration, thanks and hopefully, a serious infection of Peace and Contentment.

  3. golittlered says:

    p.s. forgive the verbal runs..and this is Ellen K. Love.

  4. Mousy Brown says:

    No resolutions here from me either…it always seems a funny time of year to start afresh, when everything is dark and grey and all our energy is used up just keeping going. Surely a time to bury deep into our homes and sit it out by the fire. In the silence of the days before school starts back and everything returns to routine, I do find myself looking back and forward but the most I commit to is a desire to think, to muse, to try and work out what I am doing and why and where I want to be and what small ways I might bring those changes about…but I often find myself grumpy, shaken, scared and out of place, out of step with all the positivity and celebration. In the end we must all passage through this in what ever way we can and as always I am grateful that you are honest enough to show another side to picture. Whether it ends up being surrender or boxing gloves, I wish you well on your journey through 2013, thank you for including us in it and thank you for not being sorry!

  5. Patricia says:

    Cheers to all the brave people who acknowledge needing to swim against the tide of festivity this time of year! Ellen said it so beautifully in her comment, and Mousy Brown echoed the sentiment–where you are is where you are, and it will pass. When I feel the way you are feeling, which is more often than I’d like, getting through every day seems like a struggle, especially when the demands to be social and celebratory are ratcheted up over the holidays. But as I have gotten older I have realized that the dark times are fleeting, and I always make it through to the other side. Sometimes it’s hearing my son’s unbridled laughter that pushes me through. Sometimes it’s just a wholly unearned moment of grace granted to me that puts all the crazy anxiety and cycling, circling thoughts to rest for a time. It happened last night as I lay in bed and couldn’t sleep, all the anxieties buzzing like bees in my brain. Then, I just looked around the darkened room and acknowledged without words the things around me, and from one second to the next I felt a sense of peace and gratitude. Just like that, the noise in my head stopped, and I fell asleep. I also grabbed tons and tons of quiet time and naps over Christmas break, which helped build up my diminished stores of patience, compassion, humor, and appreciation. My wish for you is that you’ll experience many moments of grace and quiet and peaceful sleep to get you through the dark times. xoxo Pat

  6. We so need to get together and write a book titled: ‘Why 2012 Sucked’…. we will make millions! No worries about not knowing what amazingness (or otherwise) is embarking. It might not…just know that with all the maddening crap that is behind us, we will likely not be killed or kill during the process! As uplifting as this sounds, 2013 might suck just as bad as 2012…just don’t let the vacuum of last year drag you down before you know what your are in for, boo.

    At the First Night new years eve event here every year they have an opportunity for you to burn your “regrets”, or what you are releasing from the previous year. I simply wrote down MAD CRAP! Nothing specific, just the crap….especially the maddening variety….I am done with it!

    Good luck to you, lady! Let me know if you want to get started on that book! 🙂

  7. melinda says:

    Perhaps you are in a place of Honesty.
    Instead of trying to hide & hope, under and behind bravado & forced enthusiasm, maybe this year you have taken off the societal induced rose colored glasses that a new year is “supposed” to bring us all.
    Perhaps this year, because of all your hard work, you are strong enough and brave enough to look at 2012 & 2013 and call them for what they were & will be. Because you aren’t feeling the need to gloss over and hide The Scary under a layer of good intentions.
    You are feeling unmoored because you, maybe for the first time in a long time, understand that it doesn’t matter how perfectly you attempt to engineer the life and lives you touch, none of us is in control. We are all perpetually unmoored.
    But you have to be brave to see the unmooring for what it is.
    Much easier to make a list, a plan, drape the new year in The Positivity we drag out of a storage box that we keep next to the boxes of holiday decorations, fairly convenient to get it out ’cause we had to pack up all the other stuff anyway and we were already in the attic…
    No one needs to tell you 2013 is going to be full of things that are very hard, and not fun at all. People you love will hurt, and you can’t do a d*mn thing about it. You will hurt too, and no one will be able to change that either.
    Reality is always scary, regardless of how much we let society tell us otherwise.
    But.
    I feel True Reality also brings The True Joy & Grace. They just don’t always look like we expect them too.
    And I have faith that 2013 will bring those things to you. And me. And all of us.

    P.S. I’ll trade you one “Son of a Bee Sting” pencil & one “What Would Honey Badger Do” pencil for a “What Fresh Hell Is This?”…

  8. Lori DeMoss says:

    The end and beginning of each year is so full of pressure…perfect holidays (cookies, cards, parties, gifts…blah, blah, blah) and then facing your vices and being made to feel how you need to “fix” yourself so that you will feel better about yourself (or perhaps feel better about how other people see you). It’s a lot of pressure if you let it be. Somehow I can’t get myself completely to the point of not caring…there is always a smidgen of guilt. In one of my devotions not too long ago, the woman was saying that as you get older you get more comfortable with who you are and don’t care so much what other people think. I must be getting younger instead of older because I seem to be caring more about what others think. Even to the point of going backwards and feeling embarrassment or regret about things in the past that didn’t bother me at the time. What a waste of my time!! Yet I find myself in that dark place a lot–mulling over past things or feeling anxiety over the possibilities of the future. I’ve always liked the idea of “living in the moment”. I just have to figure out how to do it!
    I pray that your 2013 has more and higher high points than low points.

  9. Hearing about everyone else’s reflections does cause me to reflect a bit at the dawn of a new year, but I don’t make resolutions. I’m loving all these thoughtful comments. And I adore you and your honesty. And your papercuts. I can’t get enough! I love my special gift–the four houses. And of course, the gift I will soon give to my brother. You have a remarkable talent Jackie.

  10. My hope for 2013 is that it will be cheaper than 2012. My resolution? Well, I’m sat here trying to break in some jeans, thinking that I should maybe make an effort to lose a pound or two. I find that setting the bar low helps.

    Take a deep breath, then give yourself a few weeks.

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